4. The Nightmare Begins.......

The following day after taking the antibiotics Tony was experiencing pain in his tummy that kept coming and going, but again because it was a Saturday he insisted he was OK and went out with his mates.

On Sunday morning things however took a turn for the worse and he admitted to me that he had been vomiting the night before. At this time I had no reason to think it was serious and thought there was a possibility that he was having a reaction to the tablets. As Christmas was fast approaching and we were in the stages of planning I suggested that he take a drive with me to my sisters house.

It was on our way down in the car that the nightmare began.............As I was driving he told me that Laurrie his sister, thought that his skin was yellow, as I turned to look at him I nearly crashed for in the short drive of 10 minutes he looked ghastly. Not only his skin had turned yellow but also his eyes! We went straight home where I contacted the emergency doctor to explain his symptoms.I was told to take him to the practice immediately which we obviously did.

On first being examined we were told that he thought it was Hepatitis and told us to go to the hospital where he would be admitted for tests, we were assured that this was common in teenagers, especially boys.On arrival he was automatically put into a room of his own and were told that he should be isolated as Hepatitis was contagious.At this stage both of us were apprehensive as the doctors and nurses appeared to be a lot more concerned than the doctor that we had seen earlier.
Blood tests were started straight away and although I repeatedly asked questions as to what was going on, was told that they would have no answers until the blood results were through.


As the day progressed so did the pain at an incredible pace, sadly, as they were not sure what was wrong only a small amount of pain relief could be given. To say I was worried would be an understatement, but for Tony's sake I had to remain upbeat. Having to leave him in the hospital pulled at my heart, but being neither man nor boy he wouldn’t allow me to stay with him.

So back home I went , now with two sons away from me and not a thing I could do to help either. Slowly but surely it felt as though I was losing control of being a mother to my children, I needed my Mum so much but sadly I had lost her to Cancer 7 years before.Maybe just maybe everything would be OK in the morning and they would send him home but in my heart of hearts I knew that this was serious.

Several years before I had seen a well know clairvoyant who had thought that I had already lost a son, and this had always been on my mind. When I lost the residence order for James I automatically thought that this was what was meant in my reading, how very wrong I was.

3. Good Luck Turned Sour....

Whilst we were all excited at the prospect of being settled in a new home both the boys were not well.We had been granted access with James for every weekend and half of all holidays, although this in effect was shared residence it didn’t compensate the fact that we were separated as a family.

To make matters worse we were contacted the police as my ex had complained that my partner had threatened him. This was another of his 'stories' but still he had to attend the police station where he was held in a cell, finger printed and DNA taken !
Absolutely amazing how much power this man has in getting the police involved , a very very accomplished liar.

When James came home for the weekend we had a party for him as it would be his birthday the following week and we were not allowed to see him. James told us that he had been watching videos about a Boobie Monster. The conversation that followed was to say the least alarming, but this time I was prepared and taped it on my Dictaphone.When it came time to take him back he was very frightened and said it was because he was wearing different clothes than what he came up in!

The following day I took the drawings and tape to Social Services convinced that this was all that was needed to be able to overturn the court order. How wrong one can be..........He had been living with his father now for 8 months and things were going from bad to worse, every weekend I picked him up he was ill. Obviously the separation wasn’t helping and although his father could see the distress that it was causing still he would not change the arrangements.

Following the doctors appointment Tony was not getting any better, but being a 15 year old very popular lad he still wanted to go out with his mates. My reaction as most Mums was 'If your well enough to go out, your well enough to go to school'.I cannot begin to put into words how bad I feel to this day that I made him go, the trouble was he was doing his mock exams and so it was important for him to attend.


By the end of the week he was vomiting and feeling dreadful. On the Friday we agreed that he would go to school for his last exam and go back to see the GP in the evening. Whilst I was on the telephone talking about the new house I saw him walking down the street, he looked dreadful. He had finished his exam and come straight back, as his older sister was doing home study I went to work and arranged to meet him at the surgery.Unfortunately for the first time ever, he went in early and I arrived just as he was coming out. The doctor had now decided that he had pleurisy, as in the short space of a few hours he started to have problems with his breathing, for which she prescribed Anti Biotic. He had been told to take the course and see how he felt after.Is it that easy to miss cancer ?????????????????????????????

2. What Mum didn't know......

The nightmare had started to unfold but we were blissfully unaware. Having been in privately rented accommodation for 9 months we had been informed that we had been successful in the application for a brand new 3 bed roomed house through a Housing Association. This was fantastic news as it meant security for us as a family and although James was not with us through the week we could start looking towards the future.

All of us were optimistic although I was still deeply concerned about how the separation was affecting the children. I knew how bad I felt at not being able to protect him and I was sure that his siblings felt the same. On our weekend contact James looked really poorly when we picked him up, sores around his mouth and complaining about a sore bum. We made the weekend as pleasant as possible but having to return him back to the unknown on Sunday upset me dreadfully. When I attempted to telephone him during the week his father would not answer, this I attempted every 15 minutes, when he did eventually answer I was told that James was in bed!The following day we received a solicitors letter telling us that we were not allowed to have James for the Christmas holiday....No wonder he wouldn’t answer the phone.

Unbeknown to me Tony went to the doctors on his own accord as he had been having tummy ache. I wasn’t even aware that he had been suffering until after the appointment when he informed me that the doctor said that he had strained muscles from weight training. Something else that I wasn’t aware of was that he was trying to build himself a "six pack". I had been so wrapped up in the court case for James that all of these normal, every day things had gone un-noticed. I still cannot forgive myself for not knowing more about my children’s activities, but I was trying to hold down this high pressured job, new relationship and the main cause for concern the welfare of my estranged 5 year old son.

1. The Months Before the Diagnosis

In February 1997 I left the marital home on a Saturday when my then husband was at work. Three children in tow and no clue to how the future was going to pan out.I had been in a loveless relationship for 7 years and he treated my two elder children (from a previous marriage) with contempt. As he refused to leave I was forced to sleep in the conservatory during the Winter months when it was freezing.Life was hell, I had a very demanding job which sometimes involved driving as much as 300 miles to a client before I even started work. All in all it took its toll on my health and so I took the decision to leave.I had been seeing a "friend" for several months and we decided to go for broke and all move in together.

For the first six weeks life was good, until my ex failed to return my youngest son after a contact period. To cut a very long story short we then ventured on a very lengthy court battle in an attempt to have him returned to us.During this period all my children suffered emotionally as we are a very close family and so the separation was one of the worst periods of our lives, and yet there was more upset just waiting around the corner.......My youngest started to express very serious sexualised behaviour that was alarming for a five yr old, I viewed my concerns to the Authorities, but because we had no disclosure from him, directly to them, we were unable to prove anything.

The British Justice System absolutely stinks sometimes. Although we had drawings etc that proved all was not right ,at home with his father ,we were told that nothing could be done until there was absolute proof.So in October 97 my whole world started to fall apart when the Judge decided that it would be too unsettling for my son to uproot him again, and granted a residence order to my very proficient liar of an ex husband !None of us could believe what had taken place in the court and me personally I felt that I had failed my children as a mother. My natural instinct was to commit murder to ensure my sons safety, but then I still had my other two to protect ....

But tell me how am I supposed to react? How am I supposed to feel? My child is separated from me for what reason? Because I’m a working Mum...............Because I was made an example of. How are you supposed to react when an employee from Social Services is sat crying with you, saying that they know that something is not right, but they cant do anything until your child is harmed!!!!I make no apologies for having that rant and rave, after all these years I am still very bitter and twisted and will NEVER forgive the authorities for the pain that they have caused my family.

As for my ex I have told him I will pay him back one day..........So here we are , you now have a very small snippet of some of the hurt that we had already been through.

Prepare yourselves the roller coaster ride has only just begun.

The Diaries From A Mother Who Watched Her Son Die

The Memories From A Mother Who Watched Her Son Die

This may not appeal to everyone but I need to write my accounts of the months from beginning, to end ,of having to watch my young son fight and lose his battle against cancer. It seems that many families that go through this horrific experience also have something else just as tragic going on in their lives, and sadly we were no exception.

For, only 6 weeks before my now ex husband won the residence order for my youngest son who was only five at the time.

How? Well, through lies and pure hatred towards me at the expense of my children. It is going to be an emotional roller coaster for me to write and for you to read. But if you feel you are able, please read my story as I would like to attempt to go some way to explaining how a mother feels whilst caring and grieving for her children who are fighting their won personal battles called life.

The inner strength that has to be found from within, not only during the fight but also after.Perhaps you would like to comment, which maybe useful in helping me to understand what I am meant to feel , and also help with my self- healing.

A lot of my writing will probably be "all over the place" as I am not an author just a mum who wants to tell her story. This will come straight from the heart and put on paper as it is the only way that I think I can explain how I feel.I don’t want this to be morbid, far from it, I want to explain to people that we all think that cancer happens to "other people" but sadly it doesn’t. It is a cruel disease that has no discrimination