17. Time To Summarise

For any new readers please allow me to bring you up to date…

* Left husband with 3 children in tow as he refused to leave the marital home, we just packed up when he was at work and moved into a rented house.

* 6 weeks later my ex refused to return my youngest son (5) after a weekend visit with him, the police would not intervene even though I had a letter from his solicitor promising he would return him. This forced me to take court action, the judge ordered Social Services to write a report but allowed him to keep James with him for the interim. (the older 2 were not his biological children)

* The report was lengthy as during this period James exhibited unexplained sexualised behaviour when he was in my care, which was really alarming. Things were said to both me and his brother and sister which were disturbing and also drawings were done.

* Whilst waiting for our case to come to court we were served an eviction notice as the landlord wanted the house back for his family. We were given temporary accommodation by the local authority while a new house was being built and we would eventually become eligible for.
However this was yet another nail in the coffin of our defence to get James back. It wasn't looking good, I had to give up my 'high powered job' to show 'commitment' said the barrister.
As at that time I was on an extremely good salary I was not entiltled to Legal Aid and had to fund all the legal costs myself which ran into thousands of £s. He on the other hand was entitled, as when we were together I was the breadwinner of the family as he refused to work. Obviously he was then able to employ a barrister from the very beginning as he wasnt paying!!
The irony of it is that I was probably penalised for having a well paid job to support my children because he wouldn't or couldn't......

* When we eventually got back into court 7 months later, as James had made no ‘disclosure’ to an independent witness , the sexualised behaviour was basically ignored and the judge decided that it would be too upsetting to up-root James again, and he should stay with his father during the week and with me at weekends! (Even though Social Services were very concerned , and didn’t want the siblings to be separated)It was surely a case of possession is 9 tenths of the law, although nobody would have the balls to admit that.

* Tony was really upset that the courts wouldn't allow him or his sister to speak up in court as they were considered to be minors. None of the evidence that they provided was taken into account My now small family were trying to adjust without James living with us when Tony was taken ill, it was only a matter of weeks after the courts decision, and this often makes me wonder if the upset and worry helped bring it on…

* My father decided to up-root with his wife and live in Spain just weeks after the court case. Not that he was any support, as since he married Judy whom he met within weeks of Mum dying and getting married 4 months later we had little contact with him.

* Tony was admitted to hospital for what they thought was Hepatitis , but sadly turned out to be cancer, he was 15 years of age ..

* So here we were , days before Christmas , 125 miles from home in a hospital. Tony about to commence chemotherapy, Laurrie trying to study for exams and James living with his father against my wishes.

So there we are dear readers, are you ready for some more?

16. The Sperm Bank

So here we were one little 15 year old boy suddenly changed by having his hair shaved off and evolving into a young man…..
After a lot of tears with laughter following the head shaving event it was nearly time for us to travel to Southmead Hospital for a sample of sperm to be stored.
Sounds easy enough doesn’t it, but remember we are talking about a young lad who had only recently been going through puberty…
It was only a couple of hours before we were due to depart that we were informed that the ‘controlled’ circumstances would be him put into a room on his own to ‘get on with it’!!
The whole ward was filled with laughter as all the adults knew where he was going and as you can imagine the air was blue with hidden innuendoes.
The Ambulance crew arrived to take us and the female attendant was an extremely large lady who towered over my 5ft frame. When I told her why we were going to Southmead she made the driver stop on a main road and told me that I had to go in to buy him some ‘reading material’ to help him along.
How embarrassing….there I was 5 feet nothing trying to reach the top shelf to buy a dirty magazine for my 15 year old son, and then even more embarrassed when trying to explain to the shopkeeper ,who had to get one down for me, that it was medical purposes… ‘yeah as if ’ he must have thought!
On arrival we were given a talk as to the reasons why this was to be done and consent was given, Tony was given a little pot and escorted to an office …’No way’ I screamed you cant expect him to do it here. This was the ‘controlled area’, eventually it was agreed he would go to the Gents to do it.
I sat outside waiting for about 15 minutes making small talk with the receptionist worrying that he wouldn’t be able to ‘perform’ his task when out he came.
When later we spoke about it he said ‘Yeah it was fine, I was squeezing spots for 10 minutes’ !!!
The mind boggles …He was going to miss so much in life.

Back to Bristol Children’s Hospital where David travelled back up to stay overnight with Tony and give me a chance to go home. I was to return the 125 miles to spend the following day with James, this was to be the first time of seeing him since his brother was taken ill and the only time I would get to see him before Christmas.
I was so angry, so hurt, absolutely boiling with rage, so many emotions .Was it not enough that I had a son with cancer to deal with ? Now I had to put the other calm head on my shoulders for James, the other son who was living with his father and showing unexplained sexualised behaviour at the age of 6.
Angry doesn’t even come close, I was ready to murder and if I never had so much to lose I probably would have !!!
Who said being a grown up was fun …when we are kids we cant wait for the day that we are totally independent…if only we knew.

15. The Day His Hair Was Cut Off ....

Today was truly a day of mixed emotions lots of tears, with sadness, anger and thankfully laughter, yes laughter something that had been non-existent in ages.
We were told that the type of cancer that Tony had, that following treatment he would have a 95% success rate of surviving. With such a high percentage everyone was filled with optimism that he could beat this.
We were given a choice in treatment, we could go down the tried and tested way which would be 6 months of chemotherapy, or we could elect to go into a medical trial scheme which basically meant that we would be randomly selected for various other types of treatment all involving chemotherapy.
This we were told would hopefully have the same outcome but would help new protocols improve.
It was not an easy decision at all to make and as Tony was nearly 16 I felt it only fair that his feelings should be taken into consideration and that it should be a joint decision.
Although I was not completely happy we decided to elect for the Medical Trial, Tony was adamant that he wanted to help other children…
The treatment that was randomly selected was a 3 month course with stronger drugs. We had been told that some of side effects of the chemotherapy would be hair loss and sadly probably leave him infertile.
It made me mad that all the consultant seemed to be worried about was the infertile side of things and was insistent on him providing a sperm sample for storage for the future. He made a strong case for Tony’s future by saying that he would be glad that he had done it when he got older. Although I could see the logic in this I was just desperate to get the treatment started, but until he had provided his sample, chemotherapy would have to wait.

So Tony decided that as he was going to lose his hair anyway he would have it shaved off now! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, here was my boy with his ‘curtain’ hairstyle stuck to his head with hair gel, asking to have it all shaved.
The Clic social worker lent us a camcorder to record the event and one of the male nurses called Richard came in on his day off and did the business!
Some of the conversation was x rated but we were all crying with laughter as we were told what to expect at the ‘sperm’ hospital.
So off came the locks and underneath emerged a young man, so very, very handsome. His eyelashes were so long that the young nurses were actually swooning over him. Gone was my little boy in one head shave , here I was honoured by being given the chance to see the man that he was growing into.

Oh God Tony I miss you so much darling…
Sorry readers I’ll have to stop for a break here but please come back..

Written by Mum

14. The Chemotherapy starts ...

The following few days there was a lot of improvement in how Tony felt as he was virtually pain free due to the morphine. This obviously helped a lot with his general mood as well, and he had the attitude of 'Hurry up and get on with what needs to be done, I want to get out of here'

Laurrie had stayed in Bristol with me, and David returned back home to work. The days were spent trying to keep Tony entertained which was really difficult as at 15 all he was really interested in was music, cars and girls... Oh and his hair! The fashion at that time was a centre parting with his hair draped either side like curtains, then, to hold in place a ton of hair gel was applied ...and they say women are vain !

All of us were missing James which was really hard as I had been unable to explain to him what was happening over the telephone, and I hadn't yet been able to see him since his brother was admitted to hospital. More to the point he had not been able to see us and was probably feeling VERY un-setlled and insecure.To make matters worse we had a message from Social Services in respect of the tape and drawings that were provided before we went to Bristol, still didn't have enough evidence for them to re-visit him!

This was a real kick in the teeth as I was convinced that this would have been the 'proof' needed, but no I was told that I had asked James too many 'leading' questions. So there we were back to square one , James living with his father with who knows what going on and Tony fighting for his life. But still Mum had to keep smiling for the sake of the children. What message would they read if I couldn't hold it all together?

David came back up to stay the night with us at Clic House and while at the hospital he wrote the following in my little black book:

I (David) arrived at 5.10p.m to find Tony with Mum, he seems relaxed and looks like the Tony I know. I watched him make his way to the toilet with his drips in tow and it made me realise exactly what he has gone through. We watched a video >

13. A Summary Of My Past

This post is a summary of my past to give you all a little insight into my background. It will also enforce in me the reasons why I am writing this.
As I have said in previous posts I am not an author I am just an ordinary Mum and therefore my writing maybe a little confusing for some. It is a roller coaster ride for me, as my life has been. I hope you will stay for the duration as it is my aim to keep my son’s spirit alive ….

At the age of 18 I left my parents home to start being independent, my parents and 4 sisters were not happy about this and all refused to talk to me for several months. For the next 3 years I became rebellious and a party animal, completely lost and really only ever wanting to settle down with Mr. Right and have unconditional love.
I then met my first husband who never met the approval of my parents , they saw what I couldn’t and so when we married all my family apart from one sister refused to attend. I went to bed that evening and cried myself to sleep knowing that I had made a huge mistake , but as I had been brought up to believe that marriage was for ever I knew I had to make a go of it.

I went through my first pregnancy with no contact from my family , until at 31 weeks I was rushed into hospital with pre-eclampsia. My parents then made contact and my daughter was induced at 36 weeks weighing just 3lbs and 5oz.
My husband by now had shown his true colours, I was married to a dirty, lazy , compulsive liar and hypochondriac.
In the first year of my daughters life we moved 3 times , the last being to a hostel for the homeless. Whilst there she stopped breathing and was rushed to hospital with what turned out to be whooping cough.

My marriage was unbearable but I was not strong enough to admit defeat and instead became pregnant with Tony thinking this would help the marriage. Again through this pregnancy I fell out with my parents over my husband, and once again I had no support from the family. They never saw Tony until he was 9 months old.

In 1983 I was just rebuilding my relationship with my parents when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer . At the same time, my husband decided to convince himself that he was dying and forced himself to be sick every evening , I was unable to get any help for him and was told by our doctor to go and see a priest !This was a real strain on our relationship as he was trying to 'compete' against my mother.

Just before my daughters 4th birthday she was rushed to hospital, as she woke one night unable to stand or walk due to pain in her legs. Following 3 weeks of tests and an exploratory operation it turned out that she had an infection in the bone, a week of antibiotics and she was fine.However during this time she was in traction and X-Rays showed a shadow which we obviously feared the worse.

After years of mental abuse my marriage eventually broke down, a very upsetting couple of years ensued with me having to obtain a court injunction to keep him away as he threatened to kill us all. He eventually stopped all contact with us when he failed to turn up for a court hearing where it was ordered that he could only see the children under supervision.

I then met and married a soldier but sadly as he was away for the majority of our time together we both led very separate lives and the marriage only lasted for 3 years.

I then met James father and shortly after meeting, my mother lost her battle against the cancer. During the years following my divorce from my first marriage my mother and I had become incredibly close and I took her death very bad.
She died in the July and only weeks later my father announced that he had met someone else who he planned to marry. This was devastating for me and I could not forgive him for what I felt was betrayal towards my Mum. He had not even interned her ashes and had moved in with another woman. I could not attend their wedding and went to the cemetery instead.
Feeling very vulnerable after Mums death and my fathers marriage I planned to have James who was born the following December ,and we married the following year to give the children some sense of security.

The following years were very unhappy, after James was born my husband divided the family in two by making it obvious that he loved James more than Laurrie and Tony. As they got older so it became more noticeable to the point that he virtually ignored them and only ever gave one word answers if they tried to speak to him. I had started a business during this time and he insisted on giving up his job to help me, even though I was against the idea.
His role in the venture was to do the accounts, but unbeknown to me he never had control of the situation and we ended up losing not only the business but our house as well as we were forced into bankruptcy.
We were moved into rented accommodation and I secured a really good job in sales as he said he was ‘not able’ to work. I therefore became the breadwinner and he became ‘house husband’ not through choice but necessity.
What transpired was that he was only looking after James and leaving the elder 2 to fend for themselves.
I eventually decided that my children HAD to come first and that this family divide was not healthy for any of them. We were at a point where he wasn’t speaking to me either and so I told him I wanted to end the marriage.

This was when the real nightmare began and where I begin my blog... In Memory Of Tony……………………….

12. Another Trip To The Theatre

We were sharing the house provided by Clic with a family from Greece, their son had been in Bristol Children’s Hospital for months with a brain tumour.
They had come over to the UK as a last resort, it must have been awfully hard for them as they had left a young daughter behind and the Mum never spoke any English at all. Most of the time she stayed at the house cleaning, that was her way of dealing with things.

It was only a week until Christmas but none of us were in the mood for celebrating, how difficult that was when you are in a hospital ward full of children!
They are so resilient it made me ashamed of myself for feeling despondent. So many were there with very serious illnesses, Cancer, Organ transplants, Cystic fibrosis just to name a few. And yet very rarely did you see a child complain or even cry , they put us adults to shame.

So many emotions were flying around, everyone was afraid and didn’t know what to say in case they upset you.
Here we were just Laurrie, Tony and myself in a strange City 125 miles from home.
David had gone back as he still had his job to hold down and the cats to look after.
Christmas was now on the back burner, but how do you explain that to your 5 year old estranged son ?

I was so torn how could I give my 3 beautiful children all this support without falling apart?
How could I tell them that everything was going to be OK when I wasn’t sure it would?
I was missing James so badly he should have been with us, there was plenty of room in the house that had been provided. His bastard father will one day pay for what he has done to my family. Could he not see that these siblings should be together, he knew in his heart that the only reason he ‘snatched’ James was for his own gratification and that’s what scares the life out of me….
I hate being a grown up, nobody told me I was going to have this much hurt in my life, what have I done to deserve this…..more to the point what have my children done?

*Tony went to theatre the following morning to have the line in his neck removed and a new one put in his chest (Hickman line).
Whilst he was under the anaesthetic he had the catheter removed and a lumber punch was performed, this was the first stage of treatment which was known to us as the COP.
From now on as part of the treatment he was to have steroids every day. When he returned from theatre he also had a line in his hand which was where they were administering morphine.
Generally although VERY grumpy he appears to have accepted this awful situation and is dealing with it as I thought he would with a positive mental attitude.

Tony you will never know much I love you and am proud of you xxx *

* Extracts taken from the ‘little black book’.